невдохновение и отчаяние (i)

I’ve been feeling uninspired, lately.
I feel like I’ve tried everything I could try, but I’ve really just tried whiskey, beer, wine, MDMA, and LSD, which in retrospect there’s a common theme to and has to be a small corner of the whole space of possible solutions. Also an entire bag of German fish-shaped salty liquorice candy, though I can’t say I expected much from those.
I need to leave the house. I look at Madrid on Google Maps to seek inspiration and try to come up with somewhere I’d like to go. All the neighborhood names I see refer to places that exist outside it: Legazpi, Salamanca, Pacífico, Hispanoamérica, Tetuán. The city, appropriating names of real places that exist beyond the 200 km of desert that surround it in every direction in order to craft its alienating simulacrum. I have the metro map (more simulacrum!) layer enabled by default; I see station names Abrantes, Oporto, Colombia, and Ibiza and feel overwhelmed by the irreality of it all.
I close the map and play my anti-anxiety playlist. It helps.
Fully relaxed, I have a sip of Glenfiddich 15. It tastes… autumnal, like baked apples with cinnamon and cloves.
I realize that these are all things that aren’t there; in reality, it’s all just distilled barley malt. I have a mini-meltdown and lie on the floor and am vaguely comforted by its immovable tangibility.
I attempt to calm my anxiety by eating sesame seeds one at a time. It helps, but a quiet frustration at the futility of the endeavour soon takes over. I haven’t felt this present in months, and I don’t think I like it.

1 thought on “невдохновение и отчаяние (i)

  1. Pingback: empty spaces | Confissões de um gajo possuído

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